7/10/09
 
Holoogala, GA - Coming off perhaps the biggest win of the season, the ‘Balls were hanging high. The locker room was as loose as the third basemans ******, and the squad was rejuvenated. As the female teammates drooled, SS Marc Russo took his shirt off and changed pre-game. This was a sign of things to come.
 
Facing their old nemesis the Tornadoes (and by nemesis, we mean the team that the ‘Balls have lost to by a combined score of 147-3 in their 4 season history), the squad started off strong. Steven “I cant find the tip of my penis” Foreskin-Christensen was on his game; his slurve was dropping through the zone like the summer of ‘97. Stifling batters left and right, the Ball defense was on as well. Besides one throw to first by SS Russo that had some fans menstruating in their pants, the defense played perhaps their best game ever. Sarah “I married a human fart” Kovacik manned right field like John Smoltz, and Saima “Dickie” Morton manned left center like Don Mattingly. Things were certainly looking like they were back on track for this rejuvenated bunch.
 
Then a terrible thing happened which may have altered the history of this historic franchise. Sarah “I like hairy men” Kovacik dropped a leaker. It was brown, green, and running down both legs (unconfirmed sightings of corn skin), and EMS had to be called in immediately for evac and clean up. After a 4 hour delay, the game was finally resumed - but the squad was forever altered.  
 
After the break, the ‘Balls sticks went dead. LJ “I couldnt hit a dump truck” Cheadle smelled. Lou “I married a fat wop” Russo stunk. Saima “Im not sure what my husbands nationality is” Morton emitted odors at the plate. While the defense held up, the ‘Balls couldnt keep up with the Tornadoes and had their usual, one stinky inning. Steven “Did I just have a miscarriage” Christensen walked a few, and the Tornadoe’s gay “I like to play Co-Ed D softball even though Ive played for my entire life” brothers started to hit. That was all she wrote.
 
Attempting to re-alter history, the ‘Balls had the best turnout ever for their Thursday night practice - 7. Guest player TJ Crimmins had this to say - “Ive never played softball in my life, but Ill tell ya - you guys stink.”
 
WIll the practice turn around a season that had become so promising after a win? Time will only tell.
 
- Jorge Yarborough
 

Notes

ANALYSIS BY Oscar Rainbow

1st Round

MEATBALLERS TUMBLE, FUMBLE WAY TO 0-3
         Johnston late, fine and pay cut coming
 
 
 
Alpharetta, Ga - The Meatballers have hit a new, alltime low. By losing to the new kids on the block, Old Irish Pub, the Meatballers are back where they began 4 seasons ago - the cellar. This team just doesnt look motivated. They’re fat, out of shape, and generally unathletic. One needs to start questioning the GM and his moves over the course of a 4 season history. His attempts to trade aging veterans such as Lauren “I use my shins to stop the ball” Johnston-Cheadle in exchange for younger, cheaper options have ultimately failed. The infamous trade of Cheadle to the Okinawa Slants of the Japanese Wednesday night Co-Ed D saki league was an incredible failure. This team was poorly constructed, and now has to consider salary cap issues going into the offseason.
 
Meatballers GM Marc Russo is flirting with the cap of 14 cents, offering his aging, non-showering catcher almost an entire penny alone. In addition to this, underperforming third baseman Shannon “Commando” Harcourt is being paid 4 cents a season, almost unheard of in these ranks. Meanwhile, shortstop Marc “I continually sh$t myself” Russo has come down with Chuck Knoblauch symdrome and suddently cannot throw the ball to first base. This, however, is considered somewhat acceptable amongst critics due to the fact that Russo’s contract allows him to be paid entirely in scotch. This does not affect the salary cap.
 
Other issues that are starting to arise include Steven “I sh$t in the bathtub” Christensen, whos struggles not only include hitting the strike zone but also his continued late night encounters with paparazzi outside gay bars and after late night McDonalds runs. This has become a distraction to the squad and management will have to seriously begin to look at whether his contributions are worth his distractions. First baseman Brad Kovacik, while once considered a steal at the bargain price of 4 Guiness per game, is now considered somewhat of a liability due to his loose stool. The squad has been forced to hire a full time nurse to patrol the bench with wet wipes in case of accidents. Buzz around the locker room has many of the female Meatballers scared for their life every time Kovacik breaks wind.
 
Most recently, the decision to bring on Jon ” Ill stab you in the face” Scott has to be questioned. This giant of a man may be intimidating upon first sight, but his insistence on wearing his glove on the wrong hand has to be a liability to the squad. Club officials say that while he was signed with an understanding that he would wear the glove on the left hand, he has continually shunned Meatballer manager Meatball and refused to do so. Scott apparently has been seen sneaking hits from a flask in right center.
 
The one bright spot for this squad so far this season has been Lou “100 Meter Dash” Russo, who has improved her time down the line to first to just under 12 seconds. This after being recorded at 14 seconds flat last season.
 
Changes are in order for this squad, and GM Meatball may be forced with some tough decisions in the near future if he wants to keep this portly bunch competitive and under the cap.
 
- Jorge Yarborough
  Meatballers Beat Writer

We stink.

All stats from previous seasons updated.

MEATBALLERS LOSE, STEROID ALLEGATIONS TEAR THROUGH CLUBHOUSE
                              Johnston plays third, catches a ball
 
4-21-09
 
Alpharetta, GA - The Meatballers lost yesterday, and even so, more serious matters were on the mind of the squad the morning after. Senator Jason Johnston released the “Johnston Report” in the tweening hours of yesterday evening, and the initial reports were not positive. Lou “Offensive Lineman” Russo has been implicitly accused of substance abuse.
 
Teammates have wondered in recent weeks how Lou has managed to get the ball past the pitcher. Now, all of those questions may have been answered. Please note that these allegations are just that, only allegations at this point. But if these implications do turn out to be true, it could spell doom for a once promising Meatballer season in which they have won more games than in any season past. 4.
 
After the game, when the news ripped through the Meatballer clubhouse like a shart through the back of Steven Christensens shorts, players were shocked and silent. Lou “Lousso” Russo sat at her corner locker in dismay. “I dont know what to say. I thought it was cheese sauce.” She then claimed to be clean, stating that her recent improvement at the plate was purely mental. “I’ve been doing a lot of crosswords lately,” she stated. When we questioned fellow Meatballer Brad “Oops that one was messy” Kovacik, he stated that he stands behind his fellow Meatballer. “She may be a dirty hooker, but she’s our dirty hooker.”
 
We will continue to update this story as more information arrives.
 
As for the game - the Meatballers flat out stunk like coach Meatball’s left ball. They dropped fly balls like it was fashionable, and for the third game in a row, outfielder Brad “Canadian Tuxedo” Morton shat his pants while running down a line drive. Coach Meatball forgot the huggy wipes this week, so the Meatballer bench was a unpleasant abode for the rest of the evening. This may have been the reason for the poor performance, but we have no metrics to quantify that at this time. More research may be performed.
 
Finally - Steven “I farted and a little beer came out” Christensen opened the game with a double. He was clocked from home to second in 2.37 minutes, a new Christensen best. Lauren Cheadle Johnston Tolly Holoogala caught a fly ball, the first of her career. Meatballers brass expect that this may never happen again. Ever.
 
- Associated Press

MEATBALLERS BACK OVER .500, BUT NOT FOR LONG
Expected to lose remaining games in embarassing fashion
                 **Johnston takes leave of absence**
 
4-7-09
 
Alpharetta, GA - It was a dreary, breezy and uncomfortably cold evening at Willis HRH Meatballer Stadium. Spotted amongst the team was Marc “I collect dingleberries” Russo, ready to go with his GT sweatshirt tucked neatly into his red, rear-end tight sweatpants. Women all over the stadium were seen swooning over him - a few unnamed ladies even went as far as to remove their underwear and throw it at him, hoping for a simple glance. But he would not grant it, too obsessed with his own beauty to oblige. Oh yes - he is beautiful.
 
Now on to the game. The Meatballers got off to a fantastic start, trailing 8-3 to a Dekalb Office team that 83 year old lifelong Meatballer fan Larry Steinberg could have beaten alone on this night. Thats right - they are that bad. Steven “I have a foreskin” Christensen started off in piss poor fashion, failing to reach the plate with his first 29 efforts. Things were not looking up on this rainy night.
 
Then, with one single drop of a ball - all hope was lost. Shannon “Marc licked my muff” Harcourt couldnt catch a real scorcher from the pitcher, that would have ended an inning and resulted in a double play. The Meatballers were heading down an oh so familiar path.
 
Luckily, something otherwordly intervened. “God” had decided to place the single worst pitcher in co-ed D softball history on the mound for the opposition. The Meatballers were back. With a series of 114 walks and 3 hits, the Meatballers scored 15 unanswered runs to take an 18-8 lead. It was all over from there, as the Meatballers flipped the scoreboard for their most dominant win yet, 20-10.
 
Game Notes: B.J. “My farts are never dry” Kovacik set a new Meatballer record with 7 RBI in a single game. Note that several of these came via the “error” by the opposition. Tom O’Dea filled in admirably in left field, but was seen after the game at the local “switch-hitters” club reciting Air Supply songs. Lauren “47 seconds from home to first” Cheadle Johnston has decided to take a leave of absence from the squad. It is expected she will end her leave of absence next Monday around 7 PM.
 
- Associated Press

MEATBALLERS RALLY LATE, BUT FALL TO SUPERCRANKS 15-12
                           Johnston back on trading block
 
3-31-09 - Yesterday, the Meatballers faced a foe that has become increasingly common and frustrating over their 3 seasons of existence - the Exide Supercranks (Origins of this team name not known at this time, and hopefully will never be known.) Right from the get-go, the Meatballers looked like they had drank their weight in beer and liqour over the weekend. Steven “I’ve got a beard!” Christensen was off, and so was the rest of the squad. The Supercranks were spraying hits all over the field - it seemed as if the onslaught would never end. Marc Russo looked like a not-so-graceful John Candy at shortstop. Things were beginning to revert back to the norm for the squad.
 
Then, down 10-0 and 15-3, the Meatballers fought back. They scored 9 unanswered runs to make the score 15-12. Unfortunately, that was where it would end, and the Meatballers fell to 3-3.
 
This is not the end for these Meatballers - it is the beginning. The start of something great. The beginnings of a new, more durable type of Meatball. These are the “Parmesan crusted” Meatballers. It is my firm belief that they will once again eclipse the .500 mark next week in their game against Dekalb Office.
 
On a side note, Lauren “Don Cheadle” Johnston Tolly Darryl Lover is back on the trading block. Rumors are floating around as to why this is, but an inside source claims it has everything to do with her tendency to pass gas at home plate, leaving the umpire dazed and unable to call balls and strikes.
 
- Associated Press

MEATBALLERS ACHIEVE UNTHINKABLE, GO OVER .500
Johnston pay raise takes effect, monthly pay now .45 cents
 
3-24-09
 
Alpharetta, GA - “These guys smoke mule balls.”
 
Those words were commonly muttered amongst disillusioned fans during the first two seasons of Meatballer Monday Night Co-ed D softball. No longer. Behind the strong pitching performance of Steven “I dont like to wipe” Christensen (who has added a slurve to his pitching repertoir), and the solid defense of Shannon “My a$$ doesnt fit in these pants” Harcourt, the Meatballers eclipsed the .500 mark for the first time in team history, advancing their record to 3-2. The end result seemed in doubt late when an Ista player was called safe at home despite every effort by Lauren “Don Cheadle” Tolly Johnston to swipe him out with her left boob. Ista had closed the gap from 6-2 to 6-4, and this one had the makings of a classic Meatballers “Oops, I sharted in my boxer briefs” collapse. But as has been stated previously, this is a different group of Meatballers. These Meatballers have moxie. These Meatballers have resolve. These Meatballers put tabasco sauce on their bologna sandwiches. They know no other option other than victory. And victorious they were.
 
After the game, Coach Meatball had this to say about his teams effort: ” I thought we did pretty well out there. The men on this team certainly arent going to win any beauty contests, and their personal hygiene leaves much to be desired, but they certainly gave it their all. As for the ladies - well, they smell bad.”
 
On a side note, Lauren “Not very good Don Cheadle Impersonator (Did you see me in “Traitor?”) Tolly Johnston asked for and received a pay raise from Meatballers brass, moving her monthly salary from .425 cents to .45 cents.
 
- Associated Press